New Mommy Jitters

I remember when my son was barely born, he was placed in my arms and I was then expected to instantly know what to do. I exercised my rights as a mom, and said no to a lot of things, and I nursed him anytime he was hungry, wherever I was. He would cry when we were in the car and I would cry because there was nothing I could do to soothe my crying baby. I would sometimes make my husband drive and I would nurse him in the carseat while we were driving. I would wake up twice in the middle of the night, because he would cry and need comfort. Every night I would get up from my deep sleep and soothe him. I soon stopped nursing him at night, he would get up and I would just hold him and rock him until he fell asleep. I spent the good part of a year doing this, never sleeping very much, not really leaving my house, begging my friends to come spend time with me because I was lonely. I even went to my parents house because I couldn't stand being alone. Sometimes I would fall asleep feeding my baby on my mom's couch as she would be doing something else. My husband worked all day and went to school all night, so he was never able to get up for me, or help me with him during the day.

I remember freaking out because my baby had a fever, and calling my son's doctor to ask what to do. I remember calling my mom on the way to the emergency room, finding out that I needed to turn around because he was alright, he just needed some medicine and a cold bath to soothe his fever. I remember feeling like I didn't know anything about what to do with my baby, and searching the internet for something to help me. Being a new mom is difficult, and you cry a lot, and you are going to always be tired. I remember feeling like I would never not be tired again. I asked my dad if I would ever get enough sleep, or if this was just how parenthood really is. He assured me that soon I would get enough rest and Lucas would sleep through the night. He did after a while. I soon forgot about the sleepless nights and was able to rest. Although I would still go to bed at 12 and be up by 6 sometimes 5 to nurse my "starving" baby. He was the cutest little eater, he would always suck it down so fast, like it was going somewhere and he had to quickly take it all before it left. He would breathe so fast and it was like a race. Although he would nurse like that for half an hour or more. (Which is quite a long time.)

nursing face <3

He weaned himself off, and was done nursing soon after his first birthday. I don't know if my milk supply just disappeared, or if it just went down when he stopped nursing like crazy. He loved cows milk and regular food, so we were off baby food and he wouldn't ever drink formula. It is interesting to me how I went from thinking that I knew what to expect, to not knowing anything, to basically knowing everything, right down to what my child's cry was telling me. Now his body language tells me what he wants and I try to get him to tell me what he needs. He recently started saying words that are clear to others, and his gestures are becoming more mature. He knows what he wants and despite his terrible two syndrome, he usually is able to get his message across clearly.

I'm so proud of my baby, who is not really a baby anymore. I love those days that he has lately, he wakes up and only wants Momma. He also carries his blanket around with him, and occasionally sucks his thumb. I remind him to not suck on his thumb and he stops. But his "baby" instinct kicks in when he doesn't feel well and it is SO CUTE that I love it! He loves making animal noises and copying body language. He pays attention to the tiniest of details and he is becoming such a cute little man!

So yes, I am a "new mommy" but I honestly think after I learned how to figure things out, my "mommy instinct" kicks in and I know what to do. Yes I have been so scared I cried, and yes I realized that I couldn't control everything. But I got through it, without constant help from my wonderful yet busy husband, who lets me be a stay at home mom. Despite my challenges, my son turned out alright. He is so sweet and loves to give me hugs. He is the second best thing that ever happened to me <3

I love being a mommy!! It is what I am supposed to be doing with my life! Please let me have more? <3