Sometimes I just need a hug.

I have been thinking about how I deal with things that come my way, that I have to handle and deal with. When these hardships come, I think I switch into survival mode (I know that sounds funny) and make sure that all of my family's basic needs are being met, before I tackle the bigger problem that arises. This can be difficult, because when I have to deal with something big, I have a tendency to ignore it for a little while, so that maybe I can be more prepared when I remember it again. Maybe that is my brain's way of dealing with stuff, and I am just realizing this.

Its kind of like when someone starves. Their body goes into starvation mode and holds everything it gets and stores it for later, so that it can survive. That is why it doesn't work to loose weight by starvation, because your body will think it is not going to be getting food anytime soon, so it will hold on to anything it gets. My brain handles problems much like this.

Next, after I am secure in my family's basic needs, I sit down with a notebook paper and write out a plan. (I actually do this) Josh sometimes doesn't understand my reasoning behind this, but I think it is because I am a visual learner, so if I have to figure something out, I need to write it all out and make sure it will all fit together within a big plan. Then, I will make a to do list. Also Josh doesn't understand why I do this, and he sometimes will get overwhelmed if I show him my list (haha). But in order for me to be able to feel in control of my situation, I have to have a list of everything that I need to do or get or whatnot.

Then, after these are done, I go through them with Josh, and we work out our problems together. If I am not in control of the situation, I feel like I am not combatting an issue, and I will get bogged down. Sometimes I loose that "control" and I will become frustrated, or even depressed. If I don't catch my feelings in time, I will start to ignore people and push those that are closest to me away. I'm sure that is why I have lost many friendships and why my family relationships struggle sometimes. I supposed that I should learn to open up to people and let them help me, but it is so difficult for me.. especially when I am not realizing that I am going through this cycle of loss of control and inevitably become anti social and depressed.

I have tried anti-depressants, and all they do are make me not be able to feel, which is not what I need.. I need to gain control of my life and of certain situations. Forgetting about the pain is horrible, when all I need to do is figure out how to take ahold of the reins and stop the crazy horse.

So I guess what I am saying is, if I haven't talked to you in a while, it may be because of this cycle that I get myself into, and I may think that you hate me. I just have the "everybody hates me, nobody likes me, might as well go eat worms" syndrome. And.. I'm sorry. I don't know how to fix it, but I do still want to be friends, and I want to learn how to stop pushing everyone away.

If you have any suggestions for me Please don't hesitate to let me know. I love reading your comments, and I really need some advice.

And as always, thank you for your continued views. You are awesome!!