Be your true self

Throughout ones lifetime, it becomes increasingly interesting how much one grows and learns from various life events. 

Depending on how much is learned from said mistakes, will determine the extent of understanding that is required. 

Some may say ignorance is bliss, but I might venture to say that along with that ignorance comes the inability to react in the best way possible. It seems to me that if someone has gone through a lot, can go through all of the emotions or process of learning from their experiences and come out of it knowing more. As well as understanding better how to handle more responsibilities and eventually live a more fulfilling life. 

If it weren't for my life experiences, I would not even come close to skimming  the surface on what I am going through today. I am so much further ahead than I realize because of some of the struggles that I have overcome over the years of my short life. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, never give up on anything. Try your best until you have nothing left to give, and even then, do your best to take what you have and turn it into something great. 

Remember who you are and remember that you are in control of your life. Take control of your dreams, fulfill your passions. 

My passion is to be a mother, a graphic designer, and a photographer. I am doing everything in my power to continue to look forward to that dream. I must continue to make goals and reach beyond my current potential. I must keep progressing. I must keep improving. 

Do what you love. Have no regrets. Share love with those around you. Care about yourself. Care about others. Love the earth and respect everything. Never stop learning. And never stop growing. 

Be good. 

Thank you for reading. And thank you for caring. Have a good night. 

Bee Yourself!

I have been really kinda struggling lately, with my life and with my emotions. It just seems like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and I really wish it would just slow down sometimes. But as life would have it, it keeps moving and changing. This week went by in the blink of an eye, maybe I should say, the last 5 years have gone in the blink of an eye! I cannot believe how quickly time can get away from me, and I also cannot believe how much I have personally changed in the last 5 years!

Back to the struggling though, I recently moved 400+ miles away from my hometown, to Provo, Utah. My husband and I decided to move, to Utah, because we felt drawn to it. We loved the idea of God being so prevalent here, and we wanted to raise our children in a loving atmosphere, especially seeing the current state of schools where we were living when we first got married. So I sent Josh off to get a job out in Orem, Utah back in December last year, and he was offered a job right off the bat.

I moved out to be with him once our lease was up and we had some time to save money and everything for the move to Provo. Josh worked there, as a temporary employee for not even 4 months and his company bought out another company, and despite him being promised that his job was "safe" from the layoffs, he was laid off. We struggled for about three weeks and a few more after that, just getting caught up on bills, and he found another temporary job, through his temp. agency, working at a warehouse shipping place, that was similar to his previous job. A month and a half went by and his temporary job was up, and they no longer have any more work for him to do. So, again, we struggled some more. By this time, we had trouble paying bills and everything was slowly running out. Thankfully, a month ago, Josh found a permanent job at the Provo School District, working with kids who need some extra assistance going to class and getting their work done. He loves his job, and although I am always fearful to get a phone call telling me that he is unemployed again, I am really excited for this new job. Josh has always loved working with teenagers, and he actually hopes to go on after he gets his Bachelor's degree, to get his teaching license.

On top of all of this, because we were getting caught up on bills, we were able to pay our rent, but not on time, so we have to find a new place of residence. Our kind landlords are letting us stay in the apartment (still paying rent of course) until they find new tenants to take over our lease. Needless to say, my life has been stressful for quite a bit of time. It has made me consider going back to work, and having Lucas in daycare, but I am very reluctant to do so, because I love raising my child, and I feel like it is the best thing for him, to be with me and learn what I teach him. I feel it is my calling in life, motherhood, and so I know that God will provide a way for us to stay afloat, and as I have seen so far, we are still alive, we ate dinner tonight, our power is still on, and we are warm and safe.

Yes we have no money to buy Christmas presents, or go on dates, but we have each other, and we are all alright. It is times like these that make me realize how much I am truly blessed, with a loving and supportive husband, a smart little man who grows more and more everyday, loving parents who care even if they don't always show it, awesome friends who look forward to seeing me, and my love for life. I know that my Father who is in Heaven truly looks out for me and provides a way for me to be happy. Even on the worst days, I see Him giving me little assurances that He is there for me.

I should pray more than I do. Lucas reminds me to pray before we eat meals, and I am so thankful for him. I love being a mother!

A friend of mine said this:

Be authentic, and unapologetic. You are who you are, you are the mommy that you are, and there is no need to defend that to anyone. Be yourself and feel no need to apologize or hide who you are. You are awesome, just the way you are.     -Courtney Huffman

She is so correct. I don't need to hide my stress, and if people want to give me crap for them, then I don't need to listen to them. I am who I am, and I am going through stuff, the last thing I need is to hide my true self. I love the person I am, and I am excited to become the person who I will be after all of this is over. Then we'll be on to another adventure. And I can guarantee that it will be difficult as well. But I know that it is worth it. I am thankful for my trials in life! They have made me who I am today.

I am not against anyone bringing me random cookies or baked goods in this time of need however haha! Thank you for reading. Its Thursday!!

Expectations vs. Real Life

It is interesting how one can make a list of sorts for what they want to work for in life. This list may include anything and everything whether it is regarding; family, boyfriends, body parts, religion, class, hobbies, friends, babies, homes, vehicles, traditions, and everything in-between.

Often the expectations that are created when that "list" was thought out, never get met. This may lead one to become frustrated and upset, but what is not realized when the list is made, is that people change, choices make huge differences in outcomes, and no-one can control other's actions. Expectations are not going to be met, most of the time, unless one passes up amazing opportunities that will come on the way to meeting those said expectations.

Occasionally said expectations may be met, but not acknowledged. It is easy to get caught up in the search for perfection, that one may not actually see an expectation being met, and it will disappear after not being noticed for a while.

So, one's search for perfection and this alleged "list" of expectations, may not be the best way of looking at life and striving for a checklist. One day, that special thing may come into one's life, that would not have been noticed, because it wasn't on the specific checklist of expectations. It might be a good idea to throw away that checklist, and live life as it comes. Yes it is good for one to strive for big things, but not specific things, or happiness will never be fully achieved. We are all striving for Happiness.

Thank you for reading.

New Mommy Jitters

I remember when my son was barely born, he was placed in my arms and I was then expected to instantly know what to do. I exercised my rights as a mom, and said no to a lot of things, and I nursed him anytime he was hungry, wherever I was. He would cry when we were in the car and I would cry because there was nothing I could do to soothe my crying baby. I would sometimes make my husband drive and I would nurse him in the carseat while we were driving. I would wake up twice in the middle of the night, because he would cry and need comfort. Every night I would get up from my deep sleep and soothe him. I soon stopped nursing him at night, he would get up and I would just hold him and rock him until he fell asleep. I spent the good part of a year doing this, never sleeping very much, not really leaving my house, begging my friends to come spend time with me because I was lonely. I even went to my parents house because I couldn't stand being alone. Sometimes I would fall asleep feeding my baby on my mom's couch as she would be doing something else. My husband worked all day and went to school all night, so he was never able to get up for me, or help me with him during the day.

I remember freaking out because my baby had a fever, and calling my son's doctor to ask what to do. I remember calling my mom on the way to the emergency room, finding out that I needed to turn around because he was alright, he just needed some medicine and a cold bath to soothe his fever. I remember feeling like I didn't know anything about what to do with my baby, and searching the internet for something to help me. Being a new mom is difficult, and you cry a lot, and you are going to always be tired. I remember feeling like I would never not be tired again. I asked my dad if I would ever get enough sleep, or if this was just how parenthood really is. He assured me that soon I would get enough rest and Lucas would sleep through the night. He did after a while. I soon forgot about the sleepless nights and was able to rest. Although I would still go to bed at 12 and be up by 6 sometimes 5 to nurse my "starving" baby. He was the cutest little eater, he would always suck it down so fast, like it was going somewhere and he had to quickly take it all before it left. He would breathe so fast and it was like a race. Although he would nurse like that for half an hour or more. (Which is quite a long time.)

nursing face <3

He weaned himself off, and was done nursing soon after his first birthday. I don't know if my milk supply just disappeared, or if it just went down when he stopped nursing like crazy. He loved cows milk and regular food, so we were off baby food and he wouldn't ever drink formula. It is interesting to me how I went from thinking that I knew what to expect, to not knowing anything, to basically knowing everything, right down to what my child's cry was telling me. Now his body language tells me what he wants and I try to get him to tell me what he needs. He recently started saying words that are clear to others, and his gestures are becoming more mature. He knows what he wants and despite his terrible two syndrome, he usually is able to get his message across clearly.

I'm so proud of my baby, who is not really a baby anymore. I love those days that he has lately, he wakes up and only wants Momma. He also carries his blanket around with him, and occasionally sucks his thumb. I remind him to not suck on his thumb and he stops. But his "baby" instinct kicks in when he doesn't feel well and it is SO CUTE that I love it! He loves making animal noises and copying body language. He pays attention to the tiniest of details and he is becoming such a cute little man!

So yes, I am a "new mommy" but I honestly think after I learned how to figure things out, my "mommy instinct" kicks in and I know what to do. Yes I have been so scared I cried, and yes I realized that I couldn't control everything. But I got through it, without constant help from my wonderful yet busy husband, who lets me be a stay at home mom. Despite my challenges, my son turned out alright. He is so sweet and loves to give me hugs. He is the second best thing that ever happened to me <3

I love being a mommy!! It is what I am supposed to be doing with my life! Please let me have more? <3

Must. Get. Up.

Sometimes it is necessary to do something, even if you don't want to. As long as you are doing what you know is your responsibility, it doesn't matter in what mind set it is, as long as it gets done. Sometimes I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and get in the shower, because I know that if I don't it will affect my son negatively. He sees more that I realize sometimes.

I have to just make a to do list, and get everything done, no matter if I feel like it or not. Eat, sleep, pray, study, play, art. I must keep pushing, and continue to finish my responsibilities. I must keep moving, even if everything in or around me is telling me otherwise. I must not give up.

Our family is moving to another apartment in the next month. Life is was just beginning to feel normal, then we have to move. Luckily, I am getting really good at packing and reorganizing. I am able to go through all of our clothes and get rid of outdated pieces and limit the number of clothing pieces that we will have to take with us. Someone is about to get some really nice clothes from my closet, that I haven't worn in a few years. I'm sad to see them go, but I know that I will most likely never wear them again. A lot of them still fit me, they are just too short for my lifestyle or not my style anymore. I am a mom, and I am changing. I can always buy more t-shirts later, if I decide to wear them again. Same goes for various dresses and jackets.

I just need to keep looking for the good in what is going on, and it will be okay soon. I will have a whole new space to decorate and have fun with.

Thank you for reading. Its Wednesday!

Someone New Every Time I Look in the Mirror

Lately I have noticed that I look different everyday. Sometimes I guess I hold myself differently, and look almost like a different person. I knew that babies change everyday, and when my son is about to go through a growth spirt, his face looks just slightly squished. He grows a lot everyday and it amazes me how tall he is getting and how big he really is. He turns TWO in February, and I can't believe how much our family has changed since he was born. Sorry these aren't in order but you can see him changing at least :)

This one was taken last week sometime

I didn't realize how much I, as an adult change. With not only my appearance, but also with my personality and actions. I even change spiritually more than I realize as well. This month has especially changed me, I think. I was looking at my photos that I shared with all of my friends on Facebook, and I realized this. What do you think?

here is a photo I posted of myself October 4th

and here is a photo I posted today, October 20th

Huge difference? I look so different. My hair even looks darker and I look more like my sister Sarah today. I think it is really interesting how much I have changed this month, emotionally even. Our little family is looking to buy a house. Renting just doesn't make sense anymore, so we are trying to qualify for a little fixer upper as our first home. I don't understand what makes a person change physically or emotionally, but it seems to me that my friends who have changed a lot, something drastic happens to them, like a baby or a death in their family or someone close to them. I actually feel like a different woman, I walk differently, I wore heels the other day!! (Which I never do) I have been keeping up on housework, and I feel like I am loosing weight! I am different :) I am making new friends, and trying to keep up to speed with my old friends. I am trying to help my little family stay sane despite everything that comes our way. 

Butterflies have to go through so much change to grow into themselves. We are but butterflies growing and changing, growing our wings and developing our colors. We will eventually be able to fly away into the sunset of life and grow more and more until that perfect day. I love butterflies. I always have. I never quite realized why until recently, and it is a fun realization. 

Now I see how much my son and future children need to go through to change and grow their wings and expand their world. I am excited to see how much Lucas will change in the few years to come. Time flies when you are having fun! And we learn the most when things are challenging and we are forced to change our shape to get through the obstacles. Let it come, and you will grow. Thank you for reading.

What makes you change? Do you see the change as it happens, or do you look back after a few years and see it then? 

Planting Trees

I was passing by somewhere yesterday with some friends and we noticed that all the trees had been pulled out of a parking lot to make it a tiny bit bigger. My friend who was sitting next to me in the car said that she hoped they would at least plant new trees in the parking lot, but they wouldn't be as big or as awesome as the other trees that were taken out. And I said, if only you could plant big, full trees. My friend said that you can they are just expensive. Then I thought out loud, it would be like marrying a dentist. Haha. They laughed.

Wouldn't it be cool if you could marry into a huge tree? You could buy a house, wait a while to have kids, travel the world and never have to worry about money. But then I thought that I like my little baby tree, I enjoy nourishing it and seeing it blossom and grow. Sure there are storms that come and blow off some of the new leaves and hurt it, but the roots are growing and strong. After the storms are over, our tree gets stronger and grows to adapt to its environment. I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have a baby tree to take care of and constantly feed. It wouldn't be work, and trials make us stronger. I am glad I'm not rich, or have everything figured out. Struggling together makes families stronger. And then after our tree grows into maturity, and grows big beautiful branches it will continue to grow and bear fruit and becomes huge, then we can have big vacations and buy a big house.

I like my little baby tree :)  What do you think?

There is Hope no Matter What.

Sometimes it feels like I have to go through so much in life, just to learn something. So many walls of struggles pop up everywhere, and it can look very difficult and feel very hopeless. I want my children to know how to create hope, in spite of what goes on around them.

This video, is about how despite hopeless situations, we can learn from them and find hope for a good future. Please enjoy.




"You can't place a period, where God places a comma." There is always a way to get through anything, it is when we are at our lowest that God can teach us the most.

Please tell me of a time where you made Lemonade out of the Lemons that life gave you.

Never Give Up

My husband Josh and I were watching Back to the Future, today. It has been at least ten years since I have actually seen that movie. I was intrigued by the amount of information that I had never realized about that movie, and I actually enjoyed watching it.

It is interesting how children can grow up and learn, and miss things as they go through their lives, and when the come back to it later, they learn so much more from it and maybe enjoy them more. Movies are just one example. There are many other things that this can occur, such as an experience, or a trial. The first time something happens to a person, they may not get anything out of it, or if they do it may be one small thing. The next time they experience it, it can be a totally different experience for them, because their mindset has changed. Or perhaps it is because the person has changed, and even though the experience hasn't changed, they see it differently, because of who they are the second or third time around.

Sometimes people get into a habit of doing something over and over again, and they think that perhaps they will become better at what they are doing, but I might venture to day that they should try something once, and then come back a little bit later in their life, when they have lived a bit more, and then they will see it in new light and with new perspective. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, but after a little while of pondering or change. Then things will become easier or new, and more able to be handled.

So thinking about back to the future, I never really understood it when I was little, but now that I am older, I can pick up on the subtle hints, of the plot, or just see more small details about how to follow the story. Now Back to the Future, isn't a complicated movie, but perhaps I wasn't able to concentrate very well when I watched it the first time, or maybe I just couldn't see past the first scene. Either way, it can be a good analogy to life.

So, I would say to you, please don't give up on something, just because you aren't sure how to do it. Wait a little bit, live a little, and then come back to it later, as a changed person, and you may be surprised how different it will look from a slightly different perspective.

You might be surprised how much we can get out of something so simple, and then how much more, again and again.
Thank you for reading. Happy Monday!

Cool Huh?

Good Memories Become the Silver Lining of Our Lives

I have a lot of good memories, especially with my family, whom I have spent most of my life with. We like to take pictures in our family, especially when we want to remember something so awesome that happened. Like weddings, or camping trips, or just spending time together and making memories that will last forever. These things are what help me get through hard times, and keep believing that life is good.

 

It is interesting, the things that happen in our lives that we choose to forget. Thinking of children, what will they remember about their childhood, and what will make them remember or choose to forget parts of their lives. When we go through our lives, obviously there are things that are unpleasant, but we get through them and move on to something different. And when good things happen, just before bad things, it can be easy to forget the good things that just recently happened to us.

Some choose to remember the good that came out of whatever happened, but others choose to not see the outcome and they dwell on the past. When others choose to see the outcome and change because of it, do they choose to remember what happened, because it helps them realize where they came from, and enjoy the life they have after the fact?

Thinking of my memories I have throughout my life, I remember a lot of things, and I mean a lot. But it seems lately that I have only been here living, for a few moments. Thinking of how much I wished time would stop when I was younger, I just wish I would have lived a little bit more. By living, I don't mean going out and doing anything willy nilly, but enjoying the life that I did had, before things changed. It is interesting how our minds work, we sometimes choose to dwell on certain things, and even though something could be going on right in front of our eyes, we may not see it, or choose to see it.

Sometimes focusing on one thing at a time, is all that we can do, because everything may become overwhelming, and when we take things one at a time, it can be easier to understand and swallow. But, when we never look at the big picture, and we become "stuck" in our moments, then it is difficult to see what is going on around us and we can miss important things that are going on right on front of us.

Parenting is huge within this thought. When we go through everyday, just trying to "get by" with that "one bite at a time" mentality, we will miss all of the really important memories in our children's lives. When we choose to simply let things come, with no regard for what it is, things can slip in and change our family's lives forever. So, I might say to live every moment, but that is cliche and you still need to see the big picture, but at the same time, it is important, to be creating those good memories that our children will remember for the rest of their lives. We as parents, must create memories for them, and help them to choose to not forget that good part of their lives. Because it might be the silver lining in their lives, when everything that may come their way, it is important to let them have those memories, to let them know that everything is alright, and help them to fill their lives with good things.

When nothing is going right in my life, at one moment or another, it helps to think of the good memories that I have, so that things don't seem so terrible. It is always important to have something to look back on and say, I want to remember that forever. You can be that for your children, or your friends. You need to be that memory. Don't let your days slip by, without creating at least one good memory. You won't regret it and it could change your life, more than you realize, it might even change the world, as we know it.

Thank you for reading. Enjoy this amazing music video by the Piano Guys :D I love Saturdays!